The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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