I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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