I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
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All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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