I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
