i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
