Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
