I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
