apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
