Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
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So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
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I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night