his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.