Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.