When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
