I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
