Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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