i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
