Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
