Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
