I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
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Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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