I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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