I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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