WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
