Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Did I show you my penis last night?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
