if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
