Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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