Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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