i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
What changed your mind?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.