The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
