Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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