I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
