How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
