I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Oh god it's open bar.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
