I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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