The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
