Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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