1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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