if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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