i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize