I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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