my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm really busy with my period
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