apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
