Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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