So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
