we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
