Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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