I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.