There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.