Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize