When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
