Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
