I accidentally burped into my bong.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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