$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
