I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I need a beard to bite.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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