she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
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Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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