Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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